Some are my favourites One liner :
The funny one liner is no one funny. hahhaha.
These are most funniest one liner
- Funniest one liner 2 : Why are the flies rub their hands like evil villains?
- Life is unsure; always eat your desert first.
- Funniest one liner 3: A little hard work never kills anyone, but why it risks?
- Funniest one liner 4: Time is a great teacher, but it kills all it’s pupils.
- Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
- Do you ever stop to think and then forget to start again.
- Funniest one liner 5: If at first you do not succeed, so skydiving is not for you.
- Funniest one liner 6:Many things can be preserved in alcohol, but dignity is not one of them.
- Light travels faster than sound, that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Funniest one liner 7: When you really want to slap someone, do it and say “mosquito”.
- Don’t try this at home (phrase) – Try this at a friend’s house instead.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Whiteboards are remarkable.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down.
- Why do maths teachers make good dancers? Because they have good algorithm?
- What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
- A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- Dad: A bird told me you are doing drugs…..
- Boy: You’re talking with birds and I’m the one doing drugs?!
Not so funny one liner BAD DAY AHEAD
You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.
Not so funny one liner MARKING THEIR TERRITORY
A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.
Not so funny one liner DOING TIME
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Not so funny one liner PRECISELY!
Q. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
TOUGH SENTENCING
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
LOST FOR WORDS
I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
SURE ABOUT THAT?
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
THE WRITE STUFF
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)
NOT-SO-COMIC TIMING
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
EARLY MORNING REVELATIONS
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
ODE TO TORTILLAS
I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
VELCRO
Velcro—what a rip-off!
VACUUM CLEANER
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
BOTHERSOME QUESTIONS
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
RUSSIAN DOLLS
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
WEIGHING EVERY VIEWPOINT
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
REMEMBERING THE GOOD TIMES
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
SQUEAKY CLEAN THOUGHTS
I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.
LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
ROCK, PAPER, TICKET
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
CHECK YOUR MATH
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
SUPERCHARGED SWINE
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
THE LOST SOCKS
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
ALL OPPOSED SAY NEIGH
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
NO ONION, NO CRY
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
STEVE MARTIN ON SUCCESS
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin
WHAT’S THE QUESA-DEALLY-YO?
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
GORE VIDAL ON THE FOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL WORDS
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal
GORDIE HOWE ON THE LANGUAGE OF SPORTS
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player
BONNIE MCFARLANE ON THE TOUGHEST LANGUAGE…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane
STEVEN WRIGHT ON LANGUAGE TAPES
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright
FRIENDLY COMPETITION…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK ON MOM’S BEST DISH
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
IF YOU NEED SOMETHING DONE WRONG…
“Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself.” —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
ELIZA BAYNE ON BIKINI DANGERS
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne
NEVER LOSE A TANK
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory
THE POINT OF A CONFERENCE CALL
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey
TIM SIEDELL ON THE REVENANT
The Revenant (2015). An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to do whatever it takes to finally win an Oscar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell)
NATHAN USHER ON LUKE SKYWALKER
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times. @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
LIZ HACKETT ON WHAT THE ’80S TAUGHT HER
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett
